Flummoxed

Flummoxed (flum-moxed)
adjective
bewildered or perplexed



yes. i'm flummox. i'm confuse with myself. 
i can't even understand myself lately. 
one time i'm proud with myself then 
next
i'm blaming myself for anything that cross my mind

i'm emotionally unstable.
i knew it.
i just knew it.
am i having a bipolar disorder?

cause if i do
i'm gladly to go for a check up
oh yes i am

i am willing to be locked in a room all for me
and cure myself.

have you ever thought of killing yourself?
to be honest, not once in my life
have i ever thought about it
but lately

things change...

for the first time of my life,
i thought about what if i hurt myself
by hurt, i mean sleeping
by sleeping, i mean that

lately, my life is full of "what if"
what if this
what if that

i don't know what is wrong.
no
nothing is wrong

but
everything just seems so wrong.

no you don't understand
you'll never understand i guess
because everything seems so wrong in all perspective way

to be honest!!

ohh i don't know. i can't describe things right now
i feel like everything is just mess up
but i can't think of one particular thing that is mess up.

my mind is full of rubbish
again, to be honest
but nahh later they'll gone

how to escape from this hassle?
someone please tell me how.
i need it
i need it so badly.

uncensored cursing word

bad cursing words is going to be wrote in unlimited amount. BEWARE!

So, few days ago i planned a birthday surprise with my classmates for this friend of mine. So the plan goes on really well in our group chat until then "victim" is there and suddenly victim felt super mad and start to scold everyone in a nice way and left the group. so, this "guy", he privately text victim and ask her why she left. and she told her everything. well okay until then everything is fine.

the best part is, this "guy" sent all the screenshots to us, updating us about what victim currently feeling. the plan was to make victim hate the guy that gives the plan (let's call him M). everything work out very fine until this guy sent a screenshot about victim's personal thought about ME! and fuck it i'm freaking mad!!

"guy" asked her to call me and ask me what happen, and her reason are fucking nonsense like fuck. she said "i'm to lazy to call her" "i used to have a fight with her" "i know her real attitude" "she's like if she tease us, she'll tease in a mean way but when we tease her, she'll get mad and talk bad about us at others"

LIKE WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?? When we first fight together its not even between me and her!! its between another friend of mine but she makes a point that i fought with her all this time. and after i read that i let out my rage in that group. tell everyone how the fuck should i enjoy prank her if she thinks i'm the bad guy?? "guy" tell her that he's not really like M but her answer is just "i don't give a damn, i dont even want to think about it" but when its me she freaking get mad shit and start to tell others about my attitude.

you bitch do you have any prove that i talk bad about you to people? why the fuck can't you tell me straight in my fucking face that you hate me? If you think how i tease you is fucking bad, tell that straight to my fucking face so i can change it or even better, i fucking left you alone.

learn some manners lah bodoh kau bukak aib aku dekat orang kau fikir aku takde air muka ke cilaka? kau fikir aku ni tak rasa malu ke bila orang fikir aku suka burukkan orang padahal benda aku tak buat. apa perasaan kau kalau aku bagitahu orang pasal kau pun ada burukkan orang? lagi ramai aku rasa.

YOU FUCKING BITCH

If you think i'm bad enough,

let me punch you in your fucking face

and you think how bad i am

PATHETIC BITCH

#need

can i just have a happy and fair friendship? i mean i love them yes i do but i somehow felt left over. is it just me or it really is happening. is it because of me? 

a friend of mine once told me that she hates people who is not punctual because she really valued time. the best part is, i was on my way meeting her and i was the last one to arrive which means i was an hour late. they don't understand me.

i wish they know my situation where my family is not really fond of sending me anywhere i wanted to because they are not my personal driver. i wish they understand that i have to followed their timing not mine. i've been scold quite a few times because of this. They often ask me if i wanted to go out, who will fetch me. because they always said 'it always you who help sent your friends, why can't they just once fetch you at home if they really wanted to go out with you?'

wow i guess reality hits me when people talks without you. going out without you.

when i was in high school, i have this one friend. to be honest i am admitting that she's the only one friend that i have ever wanted but people changes. as much as i want her with me, all mine. she didn't bother to ask me to be hers, all hers because i'm not the kind of friend.

i sometimes feels like leaving them. starting my own. but i can't. i need my friends around me but most of them changed. Maybe it was me who makes them change.

Dear God, I want my friends back.

24 January 1995-2014

I have this situation where I kept on celebrating my friends' birthday but they never celebrate mine. Not that I'm asking for it but do you think its fair for me to have this? I've spent my money for them. Share some money for their birthday. Buy gifts for them but what did i get back? Just a birthday wishes. over phone. is it fair for me? have they ever thought about this? not that i'm asking for a sick ass birthday party. No. Not even once. But i just want to spend a good time with them on my birthday. I want to know how does it feels to celebrate it with the ones i love. The one that is my sibling from different parents.

i thought we are into this together but where's my part

12:42 AM

I'm back in blogging world. wow. it's been a while (if 3 years ago still considered as 'a while') ANYWAYS, here i am. i'm back (again) 

nothing's new. just the same old me. the only difference is I'm in my college year now? yes. I'm going to be in my second year in middle of the year. AND I'M 9TEEN wow time flew by too fast like wow. really.